Different Types Of Grief

Grief is complex yet simple. It’s the thing that no one wants to talk about because it’s triggering, because it doesn’t feel good. Also, In this way it defies branding and capitalist consumerism (except Hallmark’s attempts).

I’ve learned from experience, and maybe you have too, that there are different types of grief. I separate them into three categories to better understand and work on moving through them:

The first type of grief comes after death or the loss of something we love…or even something/anything that is no longer in our life, especially when we rely upon it for our wellbeing. This kind of grief is best healed over time. It dwells in absence, emptiness, the other side of connection, therefore is well-suited to the ‘wave analogy’ as I like to call it. This kind of grief comes in watery waves washing over you completely, sometimes knocking you down.. except there isn’t a reliable rhythm like the tides. The waves are more random and can be of any size, sometimes depending on the “emotional weather” of the day, but also not related at all. As time goes by the waves become farther and father apart and overall more gentle, even though there can still be big storms, with big waves, after many years. 

The second type of grief is the result of abandonment, or the experience of not being safe. This kind of grief is expressed as anger, or a mix of sadness, anger, and humiliation for not being worthy of love, kindness, or care from others. It can be anger at yourself or the one who abandoned, and/or caused harm (or even a great hurt). This kind of grief causes you to question your value and healing this grief requires you to find your value…to discover and really know deep in your bones that your value is inherent in the very fact that you are alive. 

The third type of grief grows out of feelings of helplessness, pointlessness and/or desperation that arise when your fate appears to be completely out of your control. We go about life taking charge of our fate in small ways daily, and in bigger ways by hacking away at plans over time. This gives us agency, a sense of control and purpose. 

We *know* that a constant in the universe is change so we find ways to roll with the unexpected all day, everyday, but it’s the BIG unexpected disappointments in life that hit us hard. Sometimes this is paralyzing and we are required to grieve if we want to keep moving forward. 

The disappointment that arrives when you become painfully aware you are limited by generational trauma and/or generational poverty…by societal factors such as racism, color-ism, sexism, xenophobia…that these things are real and limiting. 

The disappointment when suddenly our body or mental capacity limits us from continuing living the way we are used to…through illness, or some other disability or disorder. 

Disappointment that despite our best efforts, and planning, our life isn’t easy…or the disappointment that we didn’t plan things (or put in our best effort) because we didn’t turn out to be who we thought we would be…we are a disappointment to ourselves. 

The disappointment that despite everything we do to make the world’s problems better, our power is incredibly limited and change doesn’t come soon enough. 

Disappointment that the earth’s rapid heating-up feels like a train headed over a cliff, keeping us in an endless cycle of pandemics that will change our social fabric, and culture, forever. Things will never be the same again. 

We feel a constant, overall grief because we barely have the time to rest and heal all these specific disappointments (let alone grief type 1 and 2 listed above), and thus we don’t have the energy to come together, en-masse, to create a new world that will be necessary for the survival of generations to come. (If you’re wondering if that make everything we do pointless, I’ve decided the answer is no.) 

This third type of grief asks us to face all of these harsh realities and feel the sense of helplessness and disillusionment, to be present in it. We face these BIG disappointments so we are not consumed by them. We face this grief so we can really see the incredible beauty in our daily lives and *also* dip ourselves into joy…because these things CAN coexist. It’s how the word bittersweet came to be, and we must allow it in, allow ourselves to be in both grief + joy.

Can we heal grief, does it ever end? We can be done with certain parts of grieving, and we can release grief stored in our bodies. We can experience it leaving a specific area of our bodies where it was stored, and then that place healing. We can experience our emotional hearts expanding and growing stronger, deeper. We can feel the groove, the riverbed, the well that grief digs, engraves, or wears into us over time, almost like a scar but convex…a container for holding more of whatever we want to put in there.  

Grieving is an action, a thing our bodies ask us to do on a regular basis to maintain physical and emotional health. There are different ways unique to each of us, and our bodies know how they want to process, if we feel brave enough to begin. For me, I grieve in so many different ways…while walking, painting, dancing, writing, dreaming (during sleep), hugging my dog, talking with trusted people, watching the trees, listening to birdsong, drinking warm beverages, crying during films and songs, smelling and touching plants…these are just a few of the ways and spaces that I make to intentionally allow myself to grieve. We digest and compost our grief when we remove the stone and allow it to flow through us and out. Sometimes the stone is fear of feeling the pain. Try sending the pain, anger, sorrow into the earth knowing it is fertilizer meant to grow something new in you. (That may sound cheesy and I promise you I’m not trying to be Hallmark…but it’s true!…the earth always offers the best analogies and metaphors for growth and healing, in my opinion.)

Let’s do it together friends. I feel it’s the only way through these times that offer us daily opportunities to grieve, especially when it seems like things will just get more challenging.

I do work with specific plants to support me in times of grief (and the grieving process) so if you’re also interested in engaging with plants for this support leave a comment with your email and I can let you know what I have to offer right now…but I didn’t write this to lure you to my plant medicine offerings. I write this as a lantern in the darkness, if you happen to feel lost with your grief.

I don’t claim to be an expert or certified in grief counseling…I have come upon this through folk ways, through my own personal journey through many types of grief. My next write-up with be on folk ways in medicine and life…learning the way our ancestors did through lived experience, through trial and error, through life’s case studies versus book learning and institutional learning.

Heal The Root, 2020