Genderqueer and Menstruating
In my last post I introduced all the things that led me to pelvic steaming: pain, a “messed up period”, infections (sometimes) and a deep need to connect to myself - you can read that here.
The purpose of this blog post is to talk about how steaming and good period care are helping me have a better period experience, and a better relationship to gender as I define it for myself. After I discuss this, I will share my personal story with you in hopes that it resonates with someone and makes them feel less alone. If it speaks to you, let me know in the comments!
So, what is “good” period care? Good period care is helpful period habits that aid the uterus in a monthly clearing of the uterine lining, any old tissue, and blood that wasn’t previously cleared. The goal is to have nothing “old” hanging out on the endometrium (the tissue that lines the uterus) where reproductive hormone receptors are. With helpful period habits, the uterus can fully clear each month ensuring regulated reproductive hormone function. That alone is awesome, but honestly, the biggest bonus of this practice is pain-free periods.
Here is a list of what a menstruating person needs to be doing as much as possible when bleeding to allow the uterus to fully shed and clear out tissue and fluids - which is what the period is for.
wear period underwear or non-toxic cotton pads and no plugging products. Plugging products are tampons, menstrual cups (maybe temporarily for swimming only, but not a regular solution), sea sponges, or anything else that sits in the vaginal canal to catch blood. These signal to the body that there is an obstruction to the flow and release.
eat warm foods, and nourishing soups, and drink warm teas a few days before and when bleeding to keep circulation going.
do not eat ice cream, drink cold smoothies or ice water, etc a few days before and when bleeding to avoid the stagnation and coagulation of blood
use a heating pad, rice sock, or hot water bottle on your abdomen when bleeding, at least once a day to get that circulation going! (***contraindicated if you are experiencing flood bleeding that won’t let up***)
go to bed early, preferably by 10 pm, as much as possible so your body is resting when the liver cleanses the blood…which happens between 11 pm - 3 am
take naps when bleeding, if possible
practice introspection and reflection when bleeding…listen to your body and feelings and take the extra time to consider what comes up during this time.
refrain from sex when bleeding
refrain from cardio exercise when bleeding (and no body inversion positions)
wear warm and cozy clothes a few days before and when bleeding (make sure your abdomen is warm)
wear a Hip-Tie (Faja) a few days before and when bleeding… BUT only if you have been taught how to properly do this by someone in the Mexican Traditional Medicine community.
How is steaming helping to heal my period?
First, it was worth it to get a menstrual cycle analysis done by a Peristeam Hydrotherapist to learn about the imbalances causing problematic symptoms.
Such as:
Infections
cysts
fibroids
pcos
endometriosis
sti’s
digestive issues
ppmd, pms
stagnation (brown blood at start and end of period, clots, cramps, headaches…)
uterine fatigue (short cycles, too much bleeding, ongoing spotting, 2 periods per month)
excess heat (night sweats, vaginal dryness)
blood deficiency (super, super light periods, spotting only, no periods)
other imbalances created by lifestyle habits such as diet, physical activity (or lack of), rest/sleep that can lead to constitutional dampness or dryness
As soon as I had that information I could find out the best steam plan for me (when to do it/ how long) and what herbs to use. Then, I was able to begin steaming safely and effectively. My steam plan and herbs have been working! I am resolving a multitude of issues which I will be going over in future blog posts.
The imbalances brought me to the steaming seat, but I also had a persistent desire to understand why I felt so disconnected from my body.
How is steaming helping me with my relationship to gender?
I first steamed with my knees together. I did this for the first five or so times…and then slowly over a few sessions shifted my body so the steam would cover more of my pelvis, and I could feel it absorbing more deeply. It turned out this was with my knees open wide in an accepting, confident, and relaxed way. After sitting over the herbal steam in this “new to me” way for several months a change happened. The steaming process allowed feelings and thoughts I’ve always had (but mostly ignored) about my body to float to the forefront. I began to consider and explore them with my closest friends and partner. I realized that my relationship with my body was driving how I felt about gender, and how I experienced my gender.
The process of steaming began to soften my protective shell, opened up my heart to myself in ways I did not expect, and allowed the expansion of my gender expression to take place. There is something ancient and nurturing about sitting over steam, warming the pelvis, and allowing tensions and sadness to flow out. (pelvic steaming IS an ancient practice) The herbs themselves assist in the digestion of present and past emotions, grief, and trauma. The process via steaming can be slow and profound over time, or the release can feel like a catharsis with crying and tears on the steam stool. I have always known in my bones, in my soul, that gender is a construct and I didn’t fit neatly into the binary. I feel incredibly fortunate to be alive in a time when more people than ever are demanding a change in the way society and culture talk about gender and create gender norms.
Talking about menstruation is still a taboo! Those who menstruate have been traumatized and abused (since biblical times) because of this completely uncontrollable force of nature, as natural as the sun and the moon! Menstruation must be normalized, non-binary gender must be normalized, and trans people must be normalized, accepted, and loved. I will be forever grateful to pelvic steaming for helping me to walk the path of healing my gender dysphoria.
If you want my personal story on experiencing myself outside of the binary, read on…
I began bleeding at age 11, a really young and possibly tough time to “become a woman”, but it also meant that puberty began for me at age 10. Puberty is a time when identity is wrestled with, but I recall not liking things about “being a girl” even before that. As a young girl I was called “a pretty doll” by my mother and grandmother. I was dressed up in tights and dresses with ruffles and hard shoes. My hair was braided or curled with ribbons. I could not stand those clothes…if that was pretty I didn’t want it! All of it was humiliating and I couldn’t STAND the suffocating textures. Still, it was clear that I was supposed to like girly things and do girly things. I remember feeling split. Like, I did a good job projecting that image because I was the peacemaker in the family, but I DID NOT feel that way on the inside. Still, did I want to be a boy? Maybe there were just lots of other ways to be a girl…
So, when I began to get hairy it felt like my world was turning upside down. I didn’t want to shave. I didn’t mind having body hair, but that was not ok for a girl. Then I started getting boobs and even though I thought that boobs were wonderful and beautiful I did NOT want to wear a bra or have to cover my chest. I wanted to continue running around the farm with my brother, and boy cousins, and feel the wind on my chest like they did. I didn’t ever want that to stop, but I had to, because, boobs.
Then I got my period and it completely separated me from the boys in my family, who I perceived as getting to have the most fun. I immediately hated everything about it…the smell, the pads, the cramps, the exhaustion. To be honest I would disassociate during every period and figured everyone did. I plugged with a tampon as soon as summer swimming season started and that took away the bulky pads and the smell, but tampons still felt horrible…heavy, dry and crampy when inserted during my period. Even with all of their downsides, tampons helped me feel less like I was on my period. I was luckily “flat-chested”, and even though I shaved my legs so I could escape ridicule, I didn’t shave my armpits. I decided I could still feel boyish but project “girl” enough to not be bothered by anyone. At the time I wasn’t aware of any of this. I didn’t have language for it at age 11 in 1986. I just did what I did, knew what I liked - and didn’t like - and tried to “fit in” without being miserable.
When I started menstruating my mother handed me a book called “Our Bodies, Ourselves”. It broke down the binary differences between male and female…and that’s it. It talked about sex in terms of making babies and that’s it. Luckily, I discovered queerness and androgyny on my own by the time I was 16, but my relationship to menstruating, and my body did not improve.
As a teen, I explored my body with no shame or reservation. I knew it well and was not disgusted by it, but I had other thoughts and feelings others didn’t seem to have, so I shoved them away, and that itself caused a great disconnect with my body. Even though I was sexually active I was not fully free, confident, or relaxed during any of it, (for years).
During this time I was steadily flipping back and forth between feminine and androgynous (not exactly masculine, but I regularly felt uncomfortable with feminine) At age 15 I was also aching to have the baby that was calling to me in my dreams. I was fully in touch with my body’s ability to grow a human and knew I would be a natural mother. Somehow I didn’t connect that desire with my period, at all. It was still just a nuisance. At age 24 I loved being pregnant, completely…feeling that altered state of creation every day for nine months was so fulfilling. Then creating milk with my body and feeding it to another human to sustain and grow their body was the greatest feeling of purpose and wholeness I’ve ever experienced (thank you oxytocin)! During that time I wore skirts…and it almost felt right, but not quite. I still had all the hang-ups about not wanting to shave my legs…a feeling of estrangement from my body…and a yearning not to be categorized as “feminine” or “masculine”…my gender expression was never quite right…but I was a mother…and therefore “woman”. What?! I shoved that away too because I didn’t know what to do with it. I am now 45 years old and a genderqueer mother of two - 20 and 15 years old - who is still exploring how I want to express my gender and how it relates to my physical body. I am forever grateful to pelvic steaming for unlocking this conscious exploration and expansion.❤️ Don’t worry pelvic steaming won’t make you question your gender if you aren’t already doing it! But it will allow you to gently approach buried and blocked feelings around your body and sexual life. It’s a beautiful thing!
